Friends

Lately I have been thinking about friends. Mostly with this new blogging interest I have connected to some old friends that I have not spoken with much over the past few years. Now I am reading their blogs and they are reading mine and it seems like old times. I have been reading a couple of my cousin’s blogs and my Aunt and feel I know them now better than maybe I ever have. I am also finishing up some last minute details on a book I am hoping to publish about the secession movement in Kentucky and so have been studying up on a Kentuckian named Joshua Speed. Probably Speed’s greatest claim to fame is being the best friend and unofficial advisor of Abraham Lincoln. What I am looking at is how this friendship might have affected Lincoln’s dealing with that important state. As part of this study I read, We Are Lincoln Men, a book by David Herbert Donald which explores Lincoln’s friendships with a few close friends. Donald wanted to know why Lincoln had very few close friends, and yet everyone considered him their friend. To answer his question, Donald looked at different discourses on friendship, but the one he used the most was Aristotle’s typology of friendship. I found Aristotle’s views of friendship interesting and so want to share it.

Aristotle saw three different types of friends: enjoyable friends, useful friends, and lastly perfect or complete friends. An enjoyable friend is someone you like to hang out with because you enjoy their company. Most of us probably have many of these types of friends, they are our circle, the crowd we run with, when we are all at a party we talk and laugh and enjoy ourselves. Useful friends are the ones we hang out with because they have something to offer which we can benefit from. This does not mean we don’t like them or enjoy them, but simply their usefulness is the motivating factor in the friendship. We all probably have friends like this too. This was Lincoln's biggest list, most of the people that called Lincoln a friend hoped to gain something from him or Lincoln used them to work his way up in politics. I do not mean used here in a bad way, remember these are friends, not just people we use for selfish reasons. I find these to be my work friends. There are some here that I do like, and we talk and sometimes go to lunch or attend work parties, but mainly they are mostly useful than enjoyable. I am hoping to make more friends like these, mainly ones with a fishing boat, a beach house, mountain retreat, or so on, so I can use their stuff and in return I will tell him stories of the Civil War. Now who would not want that trade off? Then finally there are perfect or complete friends who as Donald puts it are the ones “which there is free sharing of ideas, hopes, wishes, ambitions, fears.” Most people think they are this kind of friend, where in fact they are just enjoyable. This kind of friend is very rare. Henry Adams once said “One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; and three are hardly possible.” Finding one friend like this is truly a gift. According to Donald, Lincoln had six, which I would say is quite a few.

I have had many friends over the years and fortunately I do believe I have had complete friends. I guess I am lucky. In high school I started off with lots of friends, my freshman year I believe I was quite popular. I had the best looking girlfriends and played on the major sports teams, including making varsity Lacrosse. As I moved into my Sophomore year things began to change as my peers discovered drinking and partying. Being LDS, I did not participate in these activities making my stock drop drastically. I was fortunate however to have another LDS youth in my grade (Matt) and we became friends. In the beginning it was probably more a useful friendship, we both needed the other, but it quickly became a complete friend. There are possibly still a few things that only we know. I did have a number of other close friends that I feel blessed to have had, I hope I do not hurt their feelings but I am not sure they are complete friends, in that I did not share all my hopes and dreams, but my life would not have been complete without them. The friend I was closet too next to Matt was Larke, but there was also Abe, Higbee, and Fromm (the two headed monster). We had a great circle and much fun. My senior year the one I added to my closest friends was Kari, if only we could have been better friends earlier. When I left on my mission there were several people pledged to write me, but of course those dropped off quickly. By the end of my mission I could only expect two letters on regular basis, my parents and Kari. Thank you Kari.

On my mission I did make friends with two elders that are close friends, Roy and Pete. I only wish I could see them more. For the next ten years I made many enjoyable friends and some that are pretty close to complete, like the Aases, Crawfords, Brumfields, Tullises and Stennets. Since living in south Texas I have once again been fortunately to have made a close friend (Seth), it again started out more as usefull, but has become complete. I like one of the tenets of Aristotle’s complete friends, they must have similar morals and virtues. What I like about Seth is that we can talk football one moment, but then it is not weird to move into something spiritual. I would like to thank all those who have considered me a friend and look forward to many more years of friendship to come.

It does seem like I have left one important person out, Melissa. Leaving Aristotle, Donald does not believe spouses fall into these categories, he believes they need a different classification other than friend, it is something beyond friendship. I agree completely, but would also add other family members. My wife is not only a complete friend but is so much more. She is my best friend yes, but somehow including her in a category that I share with anyone else does not work. Included on any list of friends would be my two little sisters and my brother. We should include a new category of “have to be friends”, we are family and so no matter what we are close. There is a difference in the way to treat family and the way you treat friends, this is not always positive. I think we treat family at times knowing they are “have to be friends.” Luckily for me, my siblings and their spouses (including Melissa’s family) are the kind of people I would chose to be friends with anyway.

When I began writing this I did not mean it to be so personal, so I apologize for that. I hope everyone can now and than look back at the friends they accumulated over time and realize how fortunate they are. Your list may be small, I think mine is, I have not had many friends, but the ones I have had are good friends. When it comes to friends it is not the quantity but the quality that matters and one truly good friend makes a man rich.